Michael Jackson is still alive, without question

I'd stake my career on it.

It's a hoax almost 20 years in the making -- and I applaud him for it. Not since Orson Welles duped a nation into believing they were under threat of a martian attack has a hoax been so masterfully concocted and carried out.

Thriller -- the guy trots around dressed as one of the living dead, not unlike Christ, the original zombie. In fact, it wouldn't suprise me in the slightest if the King of Pop rises from his crypt during his memorial service at Neverland Ranch and belts out a few lines from 'Do You Remember'. I could also make a loose connection between his sparkling glove and the hand of God, but I'd have to consult the bible and I can only read that thing once a year.


The oxygen chamber -- here's where Mike will be spending his time until he chooses to make his return. The National Enquirer has been throwing this in our faces for years but no one was listening. I suspect this is where he wrote 'Heal The World'(and feasibly, the entire album 'Dangerous').

Apparently there are claims that this photo (above-right) is a fake -- apparently, the oxygen chamber, built by Sechrist (hmmm..'see Christ'? More weight to my 'MJ as JC'-zombie theory) requires the user to be nude. To me, this is a flimsy claim. The photo looks real, and though I don't know a whole heck of a lot about digital photo manipulation, I can't believe the technology has come far enough to trick the eye of a trained journalist. Also, would MJ really pose for a photo in his 'Sechrist' without clothing? No, he definitely would not, not with his mottled, freakish discolourations (note: in Canada, we spell 'colour' with a 'u').

There's much more evidence, of course -- Jacko's many attempts to absorb the collective lifeforces of unsuspecting youths -- you remember that kid with cancer that claimed Michael and he were having an inappropriate relationship? Cancer, my foot -- that kid was having his youthful lifeblood sucked out of him and deposited directly into Mr. Jackson's brainstem.

And how does Tito fit into all of this?

Joe Jackson (ahem, not to be confused with Joseph, husband of Mary, mother of Christ!!) has claimed he suspects foul play. I suspect a certain 'Smooth Criminal' just pulled off the hoax of the century...