As you probably know, I'm a bit of a technology and gadget buff -- well, being investigative by nature, I'm really more of an 'everything' buff, which brings me to the 'iPhone'. Multiple sources report that the 'i' in 'iPhone' stands for 'internet', 'interface', or maybe it's just a way to personalize a souless gadget.Personally, I would also suggest 'insipid'.
For those of you out-of-the-loop, the iPhone is a cellphone that can do stuff -- like the Knight Rider's KITT in cellphone form. If you own one of these ivory devils you can hit the information super highway (to learn about that watch Sandra Bullock in The Net) and download handy applications, software that can aid you or entertain you anytime, anywhere. From handy grocery list applications to... well, the handy grocery list application is the only one I know about, but I'm sure there's others.
And here's a few they probably didn't think of (but if they did, I wouldn't know, because I only know about the handy grocery list applications):
MORGAN FREEMAN TRACKERAs many of you know, I'm a huge fan of everything Morgan Freeman has ever done, said, will do, or will say (Deep Impact is my 6th favorite film of all time). The Morgan Freeman tracker keeps you abreast of Morgan's activities -- his filmography, movies he's currently working on, places he likes to eat, where he shops, and a running tally of intruiging things fished out of his waste bins.
CELEBRITY RESTRAINING ORDER DISTANCE TRACKERLet's say you have pending legal restrictions unfairly held against you preventing you from coming within, say, 100 yards of, say, Morgan Freeman. This tracker not only keeps track of all the silly details of your many restraining orders (essentially, 'how close you can get without ruffling feathers') but actually monitors the distance between you and your prey. Did I say prey? I meant Morgan Free- sorry, I meant 'the person of interest'.
EXPIRY DATE CALENDARHow many times have you bit into into an old sausage only to find it filled not with meat, but rotten brown paste? How many times have you taken a swig from the milk carton only to find you mouth suddenly brimming with cottage cheese? Do you harvest your fresh vegetables from the inside of an old open can of Manwich? If so, then you're a lot like me, and should probably seek medical help -- and download the Expiry Date Calendar while you're at it (if it existed).
Here's how it would work: as you load your fresh groceries into the fridge, you meticulousy enter the weight, brand, and expiry date of each product. The process will take hours, but this handy-dandy 'app' will alert you when the product in question is 'turning', and how long you have to ingest the product before it becomes harmful.
The logistics of this thing are mind-boggling, but imagine the money you'll save. Luncheon meat gone a little greenish? Sure, but is it cover-up-the-stink-with-mayonnaise greenish or deposit-at-your-nearest-biohazard-containment-facility greenish?
Either way, you might want to run a check on that mayonnaise while you're at it.
I have more 'app' innovations, but I think I'll be turning them in for cash-money at a later date. I'll tell you this much -- one application, in particular, will give you the power to add and subtract numerals with the push of a few buttons. I call it the 'portable mathematiculator', and, God willing, will be available in 2011, with a 'dividing and multiplication' slated in 2013.
The future looks bright, people, so remember your Ray-Bans.
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