The Animals Are Revolting

This blog was not created to be a space for ranting. And yet, here I am.

A few very disturbing articles have ruffled my very non-flamboyantly-coloured feathers as of late. Visit the following links if you'd like, but I think you'll find my summaries to be sufficient.
Brace yourself:

Monkey Fitted With Hi-Tech Chip Moves Robotic Arm -- Ok, this one really has me reaching for the Alka-Seltzer. I had grown quite comfortable thinking that the only experimenting we were doing with monkeys involved testing mascara for allergic reactions and co-starring in Ronald Reagan movies. Apparently, the great scientific minds of America now feel that our branch-swinging cousins should also be equipped with space-age mech-armour.

Ever try living with a monkey? I did, for an entire semester back in college. I won't bore you with the details -- I can't see any of you being at all interested in my slapstick misadventures involving myself, Pickles the chimp, and a briefcase full of precious rubies. The point is this: the little bugger broke my mothers urn, ate my thesis paper, and threw it's feces at me at inopportune moments.

Now imagine if that furry hell-bringer had a pair of skull-crushing mechanical arms. I can tell you this much -- with that kind of advantage Pickles would have never let me beat him to death with a toaster.

He had it coming.

Town Besieged By Cougars -- When this headline first caught my attention I figured a busload of eligible older ladies had descended on some small college town seeking curious young studs with Fruedian issues. Not so.

The multiple incidents occurred in recent days in the community of Princeton (the town in British Columbia, not the school that had me escorted off the property after attempting to incite a panty raid -- get your mind out of the gutter, it was for a documentary on teenage sexual development). Several cougars have been sighted prowling amongst the human population, and in one case, stalking a couple of kids swimming in a river. Somebody shot that cougar, and I would like to raise my goblet to that talented sharpshooter, because I recognize the threat. I once had a traumatic experience involving a pack of cougars -- another boring story I can't see anyone being interested in (but if you are, simply google 'man covered in fresh rabbit's blood accidentally falls into pen of starved, ravenous cougars' or something like that -- like I said, boring story).

The point is, these fanged killers simply don't have the mental capacity to understand that humans need space, lots of it, and that you can't encroach on the land God gave us to build our sprawling neighbourhoods, factories, and commercial lots. And if you do, we'll kill you, because that's what guns are for. Shooting animals.

24 Foot Shark Washes Up On Long Island Beach -- I didn't know they made them that big. But now that they know, I'm questioning whether I'll ever go water-skiing again. As you know, I love to water-ski, and I've been a card-carrying member of the Long Island Water-Skiing Association for a good many years (pictured, I'm in the third row, second from left). To find out one of these grim aquatic predators could be stalking my turf is unsettling, to say the least. My only consolation is that the shark in question is dead -- but what if it had brothers?

Apparently it's a 'basking shark' - sounds made up to me - named so because they appear to bask in the sun while hunting fish on the water's surface.



Oh, they 'bask', all right -- in the blood of innocence.

They don't have any teeth, either, but I suspect that's because they like to swallow you whole, alive, and then let you slowly starve and rot in their gas-filled, noxious bellies. Just a theory, but I'm probably right.

If that isn't enough for you, check out Food Shortage Blamed In Rash Of Bear Sightings, or if bugs are your thing, Pine Beetles Continue To Infest Alberta Trees.

There's cougars and bears stalking the land, beetles and killer monkeys-with-bionic-arms hiding in our trees, and devil-spawned monster sharks eating our fish and basking in our sun.

It won't be long before Planet of the Apes becomes a reality -- the only question is: will you be filling in for Charlton Heston...or Doctor Zaius?


*note to readers: I'm not quite sure if that concluding line regarding The Planet of the Apes really relates to the rest of the article, but no matter, it's a great line -- really gets the mind racing.